That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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