you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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