You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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