If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
