Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
