I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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