M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
