I will die if light touches me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
