So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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