Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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