a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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