T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
