someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
