the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
