He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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