That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
