I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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