At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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