i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
