i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
