Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
