He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize