I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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