So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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