My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
