I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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