Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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