Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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