I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Never joke about your clitoris.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
