Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
