Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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