He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
