He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
