Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
