i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
