Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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