she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
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It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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