She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i now understand why vodka
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
