That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
