If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
