I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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