I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
