Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
