It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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