My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
