Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
