So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
