I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
