Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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