Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
