I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
