If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
