oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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