and my herpes radar will keep us safe
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
