my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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