i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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