When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
