Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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