We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
