lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
