If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
