1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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