my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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